If you could wave a magic wand what would tomorrow be for your working day ?

How would most teachers answer this ? Resources maybe , a learner to grasp a certain concept or do something they couldn’t do before?

My answer was different …

I was a teacher of the most vulnerable children in our society, those that deserve understanding , care and nurture at every level .

Within a building that wasn’t fit for purpose we understood, we cared , we nurtured. Everyone involved in supporting our young people in that building had so much knowledge , values , and experience and we cared so very much. We had strong , knowledgeable and supportive leadership. She was very much in it with us. She was very much fighting our corner and that of our children.

For a while I thought I had an impact, for a while I could walk into a room of chaos and fix it . I kept everyone safe and I supported our young people. For a while I was even teaching . This meant the world and it was a job and school I adored .

I have scars from this time to remind me of my ‘impact’ , scars from supporting sensory overwhelm and trauma in our incredible young people .

I’d deem this ok as we had kept a child safe- when everything felt the opposite for them, I’d co regulated and through continued understanding , connections and staying true to my values it would get better . Sometimes it did for a while , but what I’d actually become very good at was fire fighting. This was all it really could be in that context.

In the right physical environment and with more of the wonderful people who had the understanding to support most of these situations would have been avoided.

We had an emergency buzzer I could press for assistance. I knew if I did my head and principal teacher would come, we had every faith in each other . There was no one else to help , there simply wasn’t enough people . I also knew what they were coming from , the dangerous situations they would often leave to help me , my team and children . So in the end , unless I thought life was at risk I wouldn’t press it .

I am a teacher : this should not have been my decision.

We did everything ‘right’ We built relationships, we supported communication and sensory needs- We lived and breathed relational, trauma informed practices – however we were in a physical environment and wider context that didn’t .

The wider context I won’t ever understand. For reasons unknown to me ourselves and our young people were caught up in a broken system that couldn’t even begin to meet their needs, a system that didn’t even try , they matter, they need and deserve it.

For a while every time I entered the room a child would ask repeatedly , in a concerned tone ‘ are you ok ? ’ as a gestalt language user he learnt language and intonation in chunks . He didn’t have many spoken words . It must have taken many repetitions for him to make this association . I was flawless in my pretence that all was well and even after the most challenging of situations I would go back to class and continue with the day for them – out of sheer determination. He didn’t have the understanding I was injured or know to ask after my welfare , this was just the way he regularly heard adults greeting me as I entered a room and thought this was an appropriate way to say hi . The knowledge that this is what I unintentionally taught him is hard to accept .

He didn’t have the language or emotional understanding to communicate it- but he knew he was scared – they all did , I did , and this came to light later . They were either pushed beyond their ability to cope or scared from seeing their peers do the same . The physical environment, staffing and lack of care is what an authority thinks is acceptable ; despite constant evidence to the contrary . Despite those speaking out against the situation we were in in every way possible.

It’s hard to accept I didn’t fight it more , I became so fixed on getting through the day and the elusive ‘safe’ . I am so proud of my wonderful colleagues who did and are speaking out . These incredible young people who are already living with prejudice and challenges are being so badly failed by an organisation that has a duty of care to them and their families.

My way of fighting it was to continue to show up and do a good job , to relentlessly keep going. My class deserved a teacher that wouldn’t give up in a system that had .

I fear the trauma from these years will continue to live with them and show in ways they will be ‘ blamed for ‘ , the system to blame; the system that failed them continues.

They were scared and I couldn’t fix it ; my wonderful support team were scared and I couldn’t fix it. I couldn’t teach ; I couldn’t even keep them safe . My class couldn’t be together they couldn’t cope in the situation’s they were being forced into .

I would drive to work and plan who would be the one to support me in each room that day , and who needed a break – we all knew what that rota really ment. Along with still relentlessly planning teaching for in between these incidents. We kept teaching or at least trying.

On some level I knew I myself was scared ; not for myself but for our children and my team. I wasn’t ready to admit it yet .I wouldn’t admit to anyone that I couldn’t fix it , that I didn’t know what to do anymore – until an inevitable crisis of my own .

Towards the end of my time there a long awaited educational psychologist visited . I sat with her in a cleaner cupboard- there was no other space. She asked me if I could wave a magic wand what would tomorrow be .

My answer was safe ; for my class and team to be safe , to not feel scared everyday .

I am a teacher

This should not have been my answer.