When my incredible eldest daughter was 6 years old , her Head teacher took me aside.

At Assembly during an explanation of the School values the older children had been asked the meaning of integrity . No one knew …until a little hand went up in the front row. Ella very confidently told the room ‘ it’s when you do the right thing , even when no one is looking’

Last year we attended her final parents evening at primary school. We were asked a question we knew the answer to even before that day when at 6 years old she defined integrity better than most adults. ‘ Do we know she is incredible’ and yes we most definitely do.

On discussing where our daughter’s inherent sense of values came from and strong sense of social justice we realised something, she is very much my daughter and Yes she is incredible, she is everything to everyone all the time,

She is also masking and has been all her life.

At not even 4 years old Ella became the eldest of 3 very much wanted children. We congratulated ourselves on having the most perfect easy going child, who every day would tell me ‘never mind mummy’ as we yet again ran late and missed her favourite part of her nursery session – the hello circle, when I’d forgotten a promised item, or our trip to the park was cut short by a screaming new born . My neurodivergent brain struggled to cope organisationally with 3 toddlers, even 2 easy going ones. Our days were chaotic, fun and lovely but chaos.

Being autistic and ADHD and with an extremely understanding and informed husband we noticed early on that our strong willed youngest was ‘very much my daughter’ thus we embraced this.

Our little boy is our quiet sensitive soul. We loved how he played alone for hours quite content , it didn’t matter to me how he played , I certainly would never have deemed his play ‘ incorrect or not purposeful’ this is however the box we had to tick on his recent referral paper work. This came as a surprise to his school as he too is the ‘ perfect pupil’ , he also spends his weekends recovering from being this.

Through all of this Ella was our perfect big sister, she embraces everything in life and never complains . She takes on so many roles at school and excels , a classic perfectionist and achiever.

She is exhausted, at 11 years old she is exhausted with being everything she has to be to everyone.

She is , and will be an incredible young woman. I want her to be this for her , not for how the world expects her to be. This will only lead to the inevitable path to crisis that so many neurodivergent and amazing young woman have to go through – almost a right of passage.

So Ella if your ever reading this one day , yes hold onto that Integrity, do the right thing , even when no one is watching ; but do it for you,

You are truly incredible just for you x